Okay, I Get the Message

So, yes, I am guilty. I am very guilty of being human. I am human, after all. We all are.

I am guilty of being self-centered and having too much of a “me-me-me” attitude.

And that is definitely not like me, normally.

I guess I have gotten tired of giving and caring and being there for everyone else, that I just wanted something more for me.

I needed to fill my cup.

We all need to fill our own cups from time to time. If we do not refill, we cannot continue to give to others.

But even as we refill, we cannot ignore our commitments, our most valuable relationships. We cannot simply run away to do our own thing and expect everyone else to understand.

Well, in the midst of my me-seek, God sent me a few messages. I done been thumped on the snout, so to speak, by God’s newspaper.

I was trying to convince my husband that his plans needed to change drastically, while also telling him that he needed to be flexible. In reality, I was the one not being flexible. I was the one stuck in me-mode.

He has always been there for me, right beside me, right behind me in all my dreams. I could not ask for a better support person. I do not know why I get so uppity sometimes. Why do I have to push and test him so?

Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary. We spent it at the hospital. There was a heart attack scare and I was so afraid of losing my best friend and lover. What would I do without him? For then I would surely be left with only myself, with no one to balance out my eccentricities, no one to love me the way only he does. Please forgive me.

Change Is In The Air

I have been rather restless as of late. All these stressors have gotten to me, true, but as I peel away the layers, I discover something different at the core. It is scary yet oddly comforting at the same time.

This newly discovered core is really not so new. I have a habit of putting my wants, needs, desires, dreams on the back burner while in pursuit of another’s goals and desires. I do the typical mother thing by putting others before myself. This is all well and good, normally, but it must be monitored. It must not take over one’s entire life.

When in an airplane, we are instructed to put our oxygen mask on first, before helping anyone else. I have forgotten my own oxygen altogether.

Lately I have been very restless. My goals and needs are not being met.

I thought at first maybe it was all the turmoil with Ken and Trevor both needing surgery, and me being caught in the middle as caregiver. I thought it might have to do with our travel plans being postponed, again and again. I thought many things--

--Before I came to a realization. There are things I must do for me. There are things I must do to fulfill a promise I made years ago, to God. His calling calls me again.

So it isn’t really about clutter or space or surgery or finances even. (Though finances are a worry in any situation.) It is about me working toward my life’s goals. It is about me going back to school and serving and caring for others.

And herein lies the problem: I need to talk to Ken about this and I do not know if he will hear me or poo-poo me. I don’t know how he might feel about traveling less than full time. Still travel, but not constantly. Vacations and snow-birding.

Pray for us, please, that I can make him understand how important my mission is to me and please also pray that I might find a way to carry out my mission.

Thank you for listening, and bless you.