Absenteeism

When life gets rough

And I sit on my duff

I’m tempted to cry

And wail and moan.

I feel so alone

When I ache to the bone.

But nothing

Offers comfort to me.

As I survive

And once again come alive

I know it wasn’t me

Who brought me through.

For The Lord is my shepherd,

And His dove, His holy bird,

Leads me out of my torment

Once again.

Thank You, Lord. I praise Your holy name for bringing me through the past several months, when my health was sliding rapidly downhill. Though I am still not as well as I would like, You give me the hope to believe that I am on the mend and will soon be able to participate in life more often.

Thank you, also, to all my readers who have stood by and waited patiently to hear why I have not been writing. The regimen I was on most recently for my Lyme disease took its toll worse than usual. That, coupled with the extra stress of traveling, was just too much for my body to handle. My pain and fatigue were unrelenting, and I could not do much more than survive. I depended wholly on The Lord, Ken, and Tinker Belle to get me through.

I do not regret making this journey, not in the least. Though we are in a rather barren area, with brown being the predominant color, I absolutely love it. The lack of rain and subsequent humidity has been a Godsend for my arthritis (bone pain is a whole other matter), and even though it is nearing the end of October, we are still enjoying temperatures in the 80’s.

Besides, I’m near my daughter, and our relationship is flourishing as I get to know her as an adult, rather than as a child. We are blessed to have this opportunity.

I cannot make any promises as to how frequently I will be writing in the future, but I hope it will be more often. Please forgive my absenteeism and know it was for a health reason.

Love,

Jenni and Ken

Revisiting The Rodeo

I thought I might share more of the photos from the St. Paul Rodeo.

 

 

 

 

Peace, love, and blessings,

Jenni

Home Sweet Home

The past month has seemed like a blur, we’ve been so busy. When we arrive at a destination, I have all these great notions to get all this writing done, plus tons of other things. But all my body wants to do is sleep, in an attempt to recuperate from traveling.

Different elevations and different weather patterns have also worked their unrelenting “magic” on my oversensitive joints and bones, my oversensitive body. After spending the last week at 6,000 feet, I now know that that is not the elevation for me. There’s not enough oxygen up here in the crisp mountain air.

One good thing this past week has been that the humidity has been very low. There is so little moisture in the air, but then that has led to daily nose bleeds and contending with dust, dust, and more dust.

This is our last evening at Snowflower Lake Thousand Trails Park. We had a nice dinner of steak and sautéed vegetables. The coach is in relatively decent shape, almost ready to roll in the morning. So I actually have an hour to spend on my writing.

Even though we are not organized, yet, and my body complains so, I still love our home on wheels and the life we have chosen.

Love and blessings,

Jenni

Heavenly Joy

There are times in our lives when nothing seems to go right. There are also times when it seems nothing can go wrong. We have all had both kinds of days. When we are in the former, our psyche, our very soul, seems to get beaten down by all the pressures, stresses, and negatives of life.

Then there are those days when all goes joyously far beyond our wildest  dreams and expectations. These are the days we all crave. We get a sort of high. Our smiles become contagious, and we cannot help but be good to one another, just for the shear pleasure of seeing another person smile.

I crave these days just as much as the next person, but with my illness, I oftentimes must work the process in reverse. My days don’t often go beyond my wildest dreams (though sometimes they do), yet I can still feel that rush, that soul healing joy I desperately crave, by first giving and smiling and loving on others.

This is one of the secrets to my joy. Listen closely, now. It lightens the burden on my soul when I give freely of my worldly, oftentimes cherished, belongings.

Have I lost you? Let me elaborate. My physical being is a mess. I have Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue, arthritis, migraines, blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on, unfortunately. Needless to say, I am in constant pain, and this state of constant pain puts a damper on my naturally good mood.

But the Lord is good. He has shown me how to find bits of joy amongst my pain, interspersed with my tears.

Best of all, He has shown me how to get a booster shot when I need it, to energize and heal my soul. It is as simple as giving. Donating. Even tithing (and now I hear a bunch of non-church-goers going, “ugh”). It does my soul good, knowing that something I am able to give can do so much good in someone else’s life.

Ken took a load of building supplies to the Habitat Restore Store this morning.

My heart swelled, and so did his.

Ken took an equally large load to the Salvation Army thrift store.

His smile threatened to push his ears clean off his face, as his mood soared. And mine did, too.

Even with two truckloads gone, we still had a lot to make decisions on. Then I remembered freecycle. It is a yahoo group here in the Portland area. I imagine there might be more chapters around the country. It is worth checking out. We gave away some large ticket items that we simply could not sell. Ken said he would haul them to the appropriate places for donation, but I was feeling so good, soul-wise, at this point that I suggested we list them on freecycle. Within an hour, the first large item was gone, the second is pending pickup tomorrow, and the third, well I’m waiting to hear back as to when she wants to pick it up.

My joy is overwhelming today, even though my body is riddled with pain and my stress level is through the roof.

My stress is so high because we have only a few days left here in Portland before we hit the road, and we have a ton of work to do still. Having access to this “heavenly joy” will allow me to keep on, minute by minute, keeping faith that God will get us over this hurdle. It will allow me to do what little I can to help, with a smile on my face, instead of tears and heartache for all that I cannot physically do.

I wish you this level of joy. I pray that you have instances in your life where the “pay it forward” system of living and giving will touch your heart and your soul with an over abundance of joy and gratitude.

I had a season of being on the receiving end more often than not over the past year or two, and the receiving also blossomed into wondrous joy, as I realized that others did care and did want to help this tired old soul. They lifted me up with a box of apples, boxes of pears, green beans, a car for our use for three months without charge, a hug and friendship when I needed it most, a bouquet of flowers from a neighbor for “no reason,” many homemade meals delivered hot and ready to eat, and so many other large and small blessings.

I am grateful for all the blessings we have received. And I am grateful for every one of you.

Jenni

PAIN

A typical day for me, these wintry days, requires a great amount of courage and strength of spirit. Even when my corporal strength lags far behind my desires, it takes everything I have within me just to face another day filled with pain.

Even though I have worked through most of my troubles from the past, and the accompanying depression is all but gone, I still have the desire to put myself out of my misery. My pain is so great a burden. Misery is the key. Suffering for no reason. I have always considered myself able to handle monumental amounts of pain. I have worked long hours on feet that screamed with every step. I have forced my hands to work through unspeakable torture. But today, as I write this, I have to admit the pain has become too great. I am no longer stoic enough.

Many days I am in so much pain, tears threaten. Any little stressor can set me off, and it is not that the stressor or the person or the “offense” is really great enough on its own to warrant tears. They just overflow. They are pain.

Pain.

I am not enough to handle this pain alone. In times of despair, I want to cut away at my own body to remove the worst of the pain. But then I would have no arms, no legs, no nothing.

On a typical day, I do not leave the house. It is too much for me to muster. When I have an appointment, it takes extra preparation and extra rest the day before. That is, if my pain is allowing me to sleep. It takes great effort to put my pain aside and get out the door. It takes coaxing from my dear husband.

I try my best to accomplish at least a little something every day. This is important to me. I have this drive within that is greater than my pain.

Winters are terrible. Each one I spend here in Portland is worse than the one before. I need to get out of here. Please, God.

More Pug Funnies

Can you believe that 2013 is upon us already? Snuck up and bit me, that one did. Winter in the Northwest is not being kind to me. My pain is out of control, and I am having weekly doctor appointments trying to find the right non-narcotic combination that will make my life at least bearable.

Not much luck in that department yet, but that is why we have laughter. So please, laugh at my dog, won’t you?

Tinker Belle is a rather finicky eater, and even with her natural and healthy diet of homemade food, she still has days when she turns up her nose. But she loves green beans. The past few days, she has been refusing to eat until she has her coveted beans. So I decided to get it on video.

Enjoy.

Smile, and I Will Get By

The chill which is Portland Fall is officially upon us. I woke up crying this morning. All my joints felt as if they had been stretched beyond their limits, snapped back, and then twisted mercilessly. The chill was quick to set into my bones this year, quicker than any past. It is going to take a miracle to get me through another winter in Oregon.

I will definitely miss summer.

Oh, that magical season when my joints are nice and limber. Always in pain, but nice and limber in the summer, just the same.

This really isn’t that great of a picture of me, taken a few months ago, but I chose it to make a point. Once upon a time I was as flexible as a . . . well, maybe I will let your imagination run a bit. And I can still get into some awkward positions, even at my size and age. Now, bring your imagination back. I didn’t mean for it to go that far!

At any rate, I will miss summer.

Sometimes, no matter what we do, we just cannot get past the pain.

We cannot blink the tears away.

We cannot kiss all the boo boos bye bye.

We simply cannot wish away the pain, no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes, all we can do is distract ourselves, minute by minute, hopefully in healthy ways.

My art is my distraction. Along with the larger pieces I am working on, I have dabbled lately in some whimsy.

Whimsy is good for the soul, good for pain. So is laughing. Smiling. Hugging. Kissing. (Oops. Did I say that out loud?)

Can’t you just picture Charlie Chaplin as he sings about smiling through his pain? Hey, you don’t have to envision! Here’s a Youtube video for you to check out. It isn’t mine, but I thought you might enjoy it.

Smile, Charlie Chaplin

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it is breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by…

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You will find that life is still worthwhile
If you just…

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That is the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what is the use of crying
You will find that life is still worthwhile
If you just…

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it is breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You’ll get by…

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You will find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile…

That is the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what is the use of crying
You will find that life is still worthwhile

 

Blessings for a pain-free day, or at least one filled with laughter.

Love, Jenni Lynn

These Hands

A few days ago, these hands fed me Chinese food, with only the use of chopsticks.

Since my early years, these hands have been able to draw and paint and create. Their abilities have always amazed me.

Through these fingers, my words flow into the computer.

These hands have held and caressed and cherished and loved many babies and wonderful people throughout my lifetime.

Yet today, these hands struggle with holding a spoon.

These hands cannot grasp a pencil, let alone a paint brush.

And every reach for a letter on this keyboard sends shooting pain through my hands and wrists.

The above words bring tears to my eyes and frustration to my heart, when I think about all I could do, if God would just release me from this pain.

Yet if I think about it, again referencing the above list, maybe my pain serves the purpose of allowing me more time to carry out the most important thing on the list, for these hands can still hold and love others, even in their current state of pain.

Thank you, Lord, for enlightening me. For, I sat down here at this computer keyboard to whine and moan about my troubles, and You showed me Your goodness and guided my hands to type what I really needed to hear this morning. I love You and how You weave Your amazing truths into my small life. Amen.