Tired and reclusive.
So, you don’t want to be around people?
Ken had to nearly drag me out of the Raven to get me to take a shower. I just didn’t want to see or talk to anyone, and that included him. He knows a shower always helps me to start feeling better. I just wanted to go back to bed and bury my head. He told me there was no one in the clubhouse, where he had been working on that beautiful swan puzzle all morning. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to be alone. I know he was trying really hard to give me my space, but I still didn’t want to leave my self-imposed solitary confinement no matter how nice he was.
Yesterday was one of those days. Filled with depression and self-pity. Void of any sense of having ever been loved or cherished, or even valued. I hate these days. These are the only days when I dare utter the words, I hate my life. I don’t really. I hate aspects of my life. I hate my illness. I hate the tick that bit me. I hate the yeast that has proliferated every cell in my body because of all the antibiotics I have taken every day for the past two years. I hate the sugar cravings. I hate the eczema and the itchies that have plagued me every day for the past year. I hate when I allow my past to influence my mood, my present, my future. Physically, chronologically, I am beyond that torturous era. Emotionally, I should be too.
Just let it go.
Just get out there and live the life I want.
Just smile. I love your smile. I can hear him say it even now in my dismal mood.
I love your smile.
Smile and get on with life. Start by helping with that beautiful puzzle. If anyone enters the clubhouse, pretend to concentrate extra hard so they will leave you alone. Until you are ready to interact, that is.
I love my smile too. It is one of my best features. I need to remember how a simple act can turn my day around. I need to smile instead of cry.
I love your smile. And I love you.