But I Digress

There have been two times in my life that a form of entertainment had moved me to yearn for it not to end.

One of Ken’s favorite movies is Fiddler On The Roof. Early in our marriage, he suggested we watch it. I was resistant at first. It is such a long movie. And it is a musical. I just wasn’t in the mood for all that singing.

But Ken persisted and finally won.

Once the movie began, I became glued to the screen.

And when it ended, I cried. “That can’t be all there is.”

The second time this phenomenon happened, I was the one who had to be persistent. I had long dreamed of seeing The Nutcracker Ballet live.

Ken was less than enthusiastic, but for me, he caved, and in December 2007, the 21st to be exact, we saw The Nutcracker Ballet from the best seats. We were in the second row, directly behind the orchestra box. We could see clearly that the conductor was balding, but I digress.

We could also see every muscle ripple as true artists floated across the stage.

Then it ended. I was perched on the edge of my seat, clinging to the backrest of the one in front of me. Tears streamed from my eyes. It could not be over. They surely had to come back and do an encore number.

Alas, it was over. I dried my tears and walked away.

And here we have an excellent example of why I have not been writing lately. I am clueless as to where I was headed. Yes, things end, but what specifically now?

I’ve had a bit of a relapse because of all the stress in my life. My pain is greater. My dyslexia worse. And my memory is once again Swiss cheese. I can remember things past as clear as day, as above, but I cannot remember spit about what Ken asked me two minutes ago. I have the feeling it was important, too.

Some time has passed, and I still cannot remember where this post was originally headed. If I ever do remember, I’ll get back to you.

Wha?! Why?

So, for the past four nights, I have had very disturbing dreams. They are full of anger and full of people disappointing me. Three of them seemed to be continuations of the night before, as they all involved this basement we were moving into and how there was no food and no money for food, yet there was this amazing gourmet kitchen and plenty of fruit punch and ice (maybe I was thirsty?). And all these people from my past kept coming out of the woodwork and just moving in with us. By the end of the third night, there were at least twenty people in all living in this little basement, and I could not get rid of them. Nor could I get them off their butts to go get jobs or help buy food.

It is very disconcerting (and so not like me) to wake up wanting to beat the living tar out of somebody. With my habit of sleep walking, I told Ken he had better sleep with one eye open.

My dreams are usually very telling of some problem I am having in my awake world, but all this anger? I just don’t know where it is coming from. I used to have anger issues, but I worked through all that a while back. Yes, I do get angry, as anyone does, but the major issues are gone.

So, what to do with this dream-state anger? Its not like I’m angry while awake, though being angry in my sleep does affect the quality of my sleep.

Maybe its just that our plans have changed, and yes, I am upset about that a bit. But in a way it is a good thing because it gives us more time to get everything done here.

Maybe it is just my frustration rearing it’s ugly head about all that needs to be done and all that I cannot do myself because of this stupid illness. Who knows?

Maybe I should just do what I told my hubby I was going to do after watching Ingrid Bergman in “Goodbye, Again.”

Ingrid Bergman’s character was being used by her philandering lover and she just kept taking it and taking it. Then I thought she had wised up because she left him, but he came crawling back, saying that he could not live without her. They married and she thought with those vows would come his fidelity. But he immediately started his old tricks again, and she looked so dejected in the end as she applied face cream. I just wanted to scream at her. But then I told Ken that I was going to go take a shower and have a good cry, because the movie had really gotten to me.

So maybe I should just go have a good cry about our changed plans and quit being so stubborn and stoic about it all.